Merry Christmas, or happy holidays if you’re so inclined to all our readers. Hope you have a wonderful time and here’s a raised glass of your favorite drink to a prosperous and happy new year.

I have a few posts from the funny stuff the grand kids have been saying while here for Christmas to follow.

Well, off to finish getting gifts for my lovely wife.

Wife and I decided we needed to go out and finish up some Christmas shopping and get a few food items for Christmas dinner. Getting ready this morning, pissing down with rain, before donning my Eddie Bauer coat and lining and pulled on my black watch cap and black shoes. Carolyn looks me up and down with my black jeans, black turtle neck and laughs.

I strike a pose and start humming the James Bond theme, she laughs and tells me to come and kiss her, “Yesh Mish Moneypenny,” I reply in my best Sean Connery impression.

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“Memory foam mattress.”

“What?” Carolyn says rolling her eyes.

“I said look at the memory foam mattress, cool huh?”

“I guess so.”

“So these mattresses hold a memory of who ever is on them, I wonder for how long for?”

“Why?”

“Well, wouldn’t it be cool to lay on the mattress and make a snow angel in the foam and have it hold the form.”

“Probably, but dingbat, the mattress goes back to its regular shape once you get up from it.”

“Dang, we could’ve had fun with that, imagine the Karma Sutra game.”

“The what?!”

“You could look at how different positions leave different impressions in the mattress.”

“Bloody hell! I can’t take you anywhere.”

Then we notice the salesman, “Er, hello Sir, Madam, may I interest you in one of our mattresses?”

“Nah, they don’t appear to be as much fun as I thought they would be,” I reply.

“Ejjit,” the wife says walking rather briskly out of the store.

“What?”

Came home early today, Christmas vacation and all that, noticed a huge vehicle in our parking space covered by one of those big car covers. We don’t have a vehicle, I went inside and spoke to the wife, “Did you get a vehicle and not tell me?”

“No, why?”

“There’s a huge frickin’ vehicle under a cover in our space.”

Apparently the neighbor got a new Chrysler van and has they already have a Corvette in their own parking space, Carolyn said they could use our empty space.

“Flash gits, they also took great delight showing us their new big screen TV.”

“Like you wouldn’t, showing them your new computer set-up with the two PC’s and three screens?”

“Oh touche.”

“Dang, do they need two flash vehicle?”

“Apparently so.”

Check out the link below to a great little animated video by Elliot Cowan at his Sandwichbag blog.

Elliot Cowan’s Merry Christmas animation

Looking through my Moleskine notebook I found something I wrote down but forgot to blog about.

Carolyn and I were out downtown window shopping, we were kissing and I was rubbing her rear and putting my hands into her back pockets and squeezing. I always like to walk behind her so I can check out her smokin’ arse.

We hear a high pitched voice, “Oh, your sooo cute.”

We both turn and there is this young guy, quaffed hair, expensive duds, his hand limp waving in front of his face. “You guys are so cute, oh my God.”

And you’re so gayyyy I wanted to say, but decided not to, mustn’t assume anything. He may have just been a very effeminate, stylin’ guy with great skin.

“Are you guys honeymooners?” he asked.

“Yes, ” I replied.

“Oh wonderful,” there went the waving limp hand again and that high pitched voice, control Michael, control.

“Oh, you look so good together, how long have you guys been married?”

Keep a straight face Michael.

“Nearly ten years,” Carolyn answers.

“Oh wonderful, you’re both still so much in love,” and with that he turned, “Well, my dears got to run, bye.”

Well that’s some way to run.

He went his way down the street, Carolyn and I went back to holding hands kissing and rubbing each other’s butts.

Whenever I call home and speak to my Mum, she always asks if I started wearing lumberjack check shirts, baseball caps, own a horde of guns and drive a huge truck with a truck rack of hunting rifles and the dead deer strung across the bonnet (hood to youse guys).

I assure her that no I don’t wear plaid shirts and we don’t have any vehicle, let alone a big pick-up truck and I don’t hunt or own guns.

“I still have my English accent as you can hear,” I tell her, and I refuse to use words like ass and aluminum, still saying arse and aluminium.

Not sure if she thinks her son will be totally assimilated and started speaking funny LOL.

I have noticed lately that fewer people are asking if I am from Australia or New Zealand (and on one occasion, Boston), so I think unless I am talking with Brits or visiting the UK my accent softens somewhat.

I was talking to my Mum in the UK, my two nephews were there visiting. Mum says having those two running around is exactly like having my brother and I running around again, they are so much like us two. One is always reading and ready with the pithy comeback and smart arse retorts, the other is always up to no good getting into all sorts of mischief.

I was talking to the eldest and I could hear he was eating something.

“What are you eating?” I asked.

“Cola Cubes.”

“All your teeth will fall out.”

“No they won’t.”

“No!”

“No, my teeth will go rotten first then fall out.”

Ah ha smart arse!

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Alec our four year old grandson has taken to saying “What the heck?” every time he sees something that catches his eye, not sure who he picked it up from. Carolyn and I go to great pains to make sure we don’t say anything inappropriate in front of the grand kids. If we are watching something on TV we feel unsuitable when they come around we switch channels.

We make sure we don’t swear in front of them, especially me, I don’t need one of the kids to blurt out “Bollocks!” Every one will know exactly who they heard that from and I’d be in big trouble.

I did manage to get Alec to mimic me and say “Hello mate” with the prerequisite English accent. Aurianna his older sister would respond to my “Uh oh,” with “Better get Macco, ” as from the TV commercials.

This was stopped when it was pointed out, “Grandpa, these are your grand children not your personal performing monkey’s.”

Dang!

Fly my pretties, fly

(Yes I know that quote never actually appeared in the Wizard of OZ).

Edit: Carolyn just told me that at Aurianna’s slumber party, she impersonated her grandpa in front of all her friends, and did awesome with the English accent, her Mom said she did it so well.