May

30

Open letter to neighbor

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Open Letter: To neighbor who won’t read this.

I don’t mind you bemoaning your life and how your ill-health is a problem and that you are on a constant search for diet pills that work and how the doctor says if you lost the weight you’d be so much healthier.

I would be more sympathetic to your cause if you weren’t standing there stuffing McDonalds fast food down your neck like it is going out of fashion while you tell me that.

Also, eating and talking don’t mix, food can go down the wrong way and choke, and try as I might I would have a hell of a time giving you the Heimlich maneuver!

Apr

27

Open Letter: woman on the escalator

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Open Letter: To woman on escalator (who yes, I know will probably never read this post!)

Lady, if you get to the top of the escalator and drop something, either kick it ahead of you and pick it up or leave it!

Don’t do as you did and bend over and take your sweet effing time to pick it up. People, namely me, are riding up the escalator behind you. I got nearer and nearer and I am thinking, that if you didn’t hurry up and pick up your dropped item and move, that rather than risk falling backwards down the escalator because you’re in the way, I would’ve just pushed you arse over tit out of the way.

Luckily, she moved just as I got to the top of the escalator. Some people have no consideration to those around them.

Mar

31

Open Letter: woman on the bus

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Open Letter to woman on the bus, who I know will never read this post.

Lady! Your eating habits are atrocious.

I sat down next to you and you were tucking into a bag of Cheetos like a ravenous lioness ripping a gazelle asunder. You were smacking your lips and sucking your teeth, slobbering everywhere. Dang annoying and gross.

Then you looked at your orange tinged fingertips and licked them off in great slurping sounds and proceeded to wipe your hands across your pants.

Really classy!

Maybe it’s because I spent all weekend sick and it was Monday morning, or maybe I am becoming a cantankerous old man.

Feb

25

Open Letter: to ear guy on bus

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Open Letter: To the ear guy on the bus sitting in front of me.

Dude, you had two of your fingers jammed into your ear hole picking at something. For several minutes you were probing trying to dislodge something or other jammed in your ear, if after that time nothing was coming out I guess whatever it was is staying!

Gross and best left for when you get home where your family can shine a light in your lug’ole and help remove whatever was causing your discomfort.

Post Sponsor: air purifiers

Jan

3

Open Letter: to guy on bus

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Open Letter:

To the guy on the bus this morning, dude, if you must turn my way and breath heavily and continually sigh because the bus is stuck in traffic, for the love of Pete suck on a breath mint.

Someone either needs to work on their oral hygiene or see a dentist because the stench was vile.

Dec

26

Open Letter: the Emo couple and a couple of litterers

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Open Letter:

To the dude standing at the bus stop pulling food out of a plastic bag unwrapping it, eating the food then throwing the wrappers on the ground. Dude, you are about six steps away from a trash can and recycle bin and you are still littering.

You inconsiderate, uncouth, environmentally unfriendly bastage.

————
To the guy who walked past the same bus stop, dude you walked past the same bloody trash can but still you took a drink from your coffee cup then threw it against the bus stop splattering coffee everywhere. Bet you don’t do that sort of thing in your own house, or maybe you do, you messy bastage.

————
To the Emo couple, you both looked identical and I only knew which one of you was female by the skirt, you’ve both got iPod ear buds in listening to some Emo music no doubt. Yet you are moping along like you are carrying the worries of the world on your shoulders. Miserable, depressing, you need to inject some enthusiasm, some energy, something.

Dang, you looked so depressing you made me want to slash your wrists!

Nov

15

Open Letter to lady in bank

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Open Letter:

To lady in bank, hey lady, standing at the teller window you obviously have failed to notice the teller rolling her eyes. You are on your cell phone standing in front of a large sign that reads,

“Please Refrain From Using Cellular Phones.”

Totally annoying to everyone, hence the sign, to make matters worse you are using a Nextel phone with walkie-talkie capability. You have the phone to your ear as in normal use but you have the walkie-talkie feature switched on. So the whole bank was being blasted with both side of the bloody conversation.

Come on lady, Be considerate!

The teller and I were rolling our eyes at each other as I got to the window. As I handed over a check I was cashing the cell phone in my pocket started vibrating. I ignored it, being considerate of others.1

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  1. Oh give the man a medal! [↩]

Nov

13

Open Letter to buddy No I do not want to play golf!

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Open Letter to neighbor:

To my well meaning neighbor around the corner, stop sending me bloody email directing me to the golf website! Yes, I know you love Mizuno golf clubs, but no, I ain’t spending all my hard earned money on them.

I have no interest in wearing the flat cap, plus-fours and checkered socks and walking the fairways whacking a golf ball all over God’s green frickin’ creation.1

You keep telling me how wonderful golf is and how much fun it is and how good it is to spend a day on the back nine. Dude, we live in Seattle, we hardly know what the sun looks like, I don’t consider it fun walking in the cold, more than likely wet outdoors trying to find my bloody ball in the rough.

Golf doesn’t and never has held any fascination to me, I just don’t get excited at the prospect of screwing my shoulders up trying to hit the ball down the fairway.

Also, I tend not to want to come around to your house much because I don’t want to sit in your den for hours on end watching golf on the TV. I know you’re just trying to be neighborly but I don’t like golf. How many other ways can I say that before it sinks in.

[/rant]

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  1. Okay, I wouldn’t have to really wear the golfing outfit, but that is the image I conjure up when I see myself on the green! [↩]

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